White Collar: Objet D'Art
by Phoenix-cry
Summary: Peter wakes to find an unwelcome guest in his back yard. Humorous one shot story.


**Title:** Objet D'art  
 **Rating** : G  
 **Category** : Humor.  
 **Length** : 1000 words or so.  
 **Inspiration** : A New York friend of mine Eunice Koppelman sent me a picture of a new art installation that is taking up space at Rockefeller Square. Our mutual friend lov_pb challenged me to a White Collar short story over it...so here it is. Continue to be insane New York, we all love you for it.  
 **Description** : Peter wakes to find an unwelcome guest in his back yard.

 **To find a picture** : search for Rockefeller Square Thomas Houseago, or go to Rockefeller Square and see it in person it will be on display until June 12th.

* * *

Objet D'art

Peter stumbled around his kitchen in a bathrobe in search of coffee. The smell of it had lured him downstairs out of bed. It was finally Saturday after a long grueling week of mostly fruitless stakeouts that had lasted deep into the night. Luckily they had caught their guy during last night's adventures, but not until after a grueling foot chase.

All in all Peter just wanted to relax today. Elizabeth had gotten up bright an early to attend some function that Peter was sure she had told him about in great detail at some point but that he knew nothing about now other than the fact that she was gone for the day. She had however left a fresh pot of coffee.

"Ah...bless you, Hon."

Peter poured himself a cup of black coffee and breathed in the aroma deeply. Although still feeling a little blurry eyed he managed to perk up some. Satchmo was standing at the back door with his nose pressed against it. He was staring at the door with amazing intensity as if he was trying to will it open. Peter wandered over and opened the door.

"There ya go."

Satchmo went to dash out into the back yard but he only made it half way out before he scrambled backwards into the house. Tucking his tail and whining Satchmo backed further away from the ajar door. Peter furrowed his brow at the dog's strange behavior. If there was an intruder Satchmo would have just barked at them.

"What's wrong, Satch?"

Tucking his tail harder Satchmo whined again.

"What's out there?"

Stepping up to the door Peter carefully peered outside. Peter dropped both his jaw and his coffee mug at the sight that greeted him. Slamming the door closed Peter stormed over to the kitchen island where his phone was. Hitting the redial from his last call Peter ground his teeth together in barely contained rage.

"Peter?" Neal answered sleepily. "What time is it? Something wrong?"

"What is in my backyard?!"

"No idea, I don't know if you noticed but I'm at home. It's got a great view of the New York skyline, but not so much your backyard."

"Get over here and deal with this now!"

"Why is whatever is going on my fault?"

"If it wasn't you, it was Mozzie, and either way it's your fault and you're going to fix it."

"Peter..."

"NOW!"

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO

"Wow...words kind of fail me." Neal admitted.

"There's a first." Peter grumbled.

With his hands in his pockets Neal looked up at the ten foot tall statue that was dominating the space in Peter's small back yard. Rather than actually being stone it appeared to be plaster over a frame. The looming figure was a flat and stylized human skull with large gaping eyes, one of which was filled with small cylindrical shapes that kind of gave the impression of being maggots. While Neal stared at the surprise art Peter glared at Neal. Peter had been angry enough when Mozzie had left the rai stone back here, this was admittedly far worse.

"Has Elizabeth seen this?"

"Noooo. The divorce would already be pending if she had."

"It's not that bad." Neal lied. "It's an Objet D'art."

"It's an Abject D'horror."

"It's certainly..." Neal searched for the right word "challenging."

"Neal, I just got done with a long hard week at work, the last thing I need is to come home and be 'challenged by art'. Besides this isn't art, this is a solid representation of a nightmare."

"You'd be surprised what is labeled 'art', I once saw an installation at a prestigious gallery that was a four poster bed with half a ton of shaved ham on top of it."

"That's disgusting, but at least tasteful if only in the literal sense. This is a crime. It isn't art, it's vandalism."

"I kind of like it."

"It looks into my soul and judges me harshly." Peter said seriously.

"Well an artist's main goal is to leave an emotional impact."

"I feel like I've been punched in the gut...so, mission accomplished."

"I do get a certain queasiness just looking at it."

"Satchmo won't even come out into the yard to pee on it, and he's a dog, it's his one mission in life to pee on every object that dares enter his territory."

"Dog doesn't know art, but he knows what he likes." Neal chuckled.

"This isn't funny, Neal."

"I disagree, this is hysterical."

"Get rid of it!"

"How? It has to weigh several hundred pounds. I'm not even sure how Mozzie got it back here, let alone why."

Speaking of the devil made him appear as Mozzie came hustling into the back yard. He had a sheepish grin on his face. Neal took a step back, not really interested in getting in the middle of this.

"Mozzie, what in the hell is this doing here?" Peter growled.

"Uh...Happy Birthday, Suit!"

"It's not anywhere near my birthday and even if it was this is the exact opposite of what I would want in absolutely every sense. Stop leaving 'art' in my yard!"

"I just needed a spot to store it for the night and it's too big for my container, it was supposed to be moved before sunrise."

"I want it gone, you have one hour."

"My buyer will be here in thirty minutes, tops."

"Buyer? Someone wants this monstrosity?"

"It's not a monstrosity, it's an original Thomas Houseago!"

"Is it stolen? No...wait, don't answer that. I don't care, just make it disappear." Peter turned to storm back into the house.

"Where are you going?" Neal asked. "You might as well appreciate the art while it's here."

"I will appreciate it a lot more once it's gone."

Going back inside Peter closed the door and Neal could hear the click as he locked it. Neal managed to look away from the statue, although he had to admit that it made him nervous to turn his back on it. He looked to Mozzie with a raised eyebrow.

"What?" Mozzie asked innocently. "I needed to hide it, as well as a good neutral place to do the sale. It's not stolen, so this seemed like a good place to conduct business. No one would look for it here."

"Does someone really want this?" Neal asked doubtfully.

"No, the deal fell through when they saw it. It really is hideous."

"What are we going to do with it?"

"We could drag it down to Rockefeller Square, leave it there."

"So...littering?"

"Think of it more as donating public art..."


End file.
